Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace

Hopefully the Foo Fighters don't sue me for copyright infringement, but I thought it was an apt title for this blog post. That and I've been listening to them a lot lately.

I know it has been a very long time since I posted a real update about what I've been doing here. There are several reasons for it, pretty much the same reasons that have justified my past posting gaps. The main reason, though, has been my state of mind over the past few weeks.

As PCVs we're constantly reminded that Peace Corps service is a rollercoaster of emotions, extreme highs and lows. I've been going through another tough time, something to be expected but hard to take none the less. When one can't pinpoint the exact causes, reasons or solutions to the problem, it makes it even worse. And that seems to be my experience here. Nearly every one of my PC lows have occurred for seemingly no real reason, nothing out of the ordinary has happened, there has been no dramatic change from the usual pattern of life.

The end of April and the beginning of May were marked by days where I didn't really want to deal with Lesotho. I watched a lot of movies, t.v. shows and read. I cooked. I chatted online. I moped around and felt sorry for myself. Thoughts of home, those I miss, things that I'll never get back echoed in my head.

In one of those cosmic coincidences Kelly (aka K2), a Volunteer who arrived with the last education group and lives about 45 minutes from Mafeteng camptown, was having a rough week too and came into town for a visit. We read Vogue, ate chocolate, watched chick flicks and drank wine. We shared moments of understanding silence, moments of anger. It helped. Her friend Vic came down from the mountains of Thaba Tseka district and hung out with us for a couple of days also. We decided it was time to leave Lesotho, if only for a short time. After meeting up with Megan and Allison (two PCVs from my group) in Maseru we headed to Bloemfontein, South Africa for movies, shopping and a night in a guest house with clean showers and cable television. It was a treat to feel normal again, if only for a day.

Allison, Megan and I returned to Maseru in preparation for a week of training-of-trainers (TOT). Each year, a few PCVs from the previous CHED group are selected to work with Basotho language and technical trainers to develop training sessions for the new group of CHED Volunteers arriving in early June. This week of planning is called TOT.

I was happy to have been selected to participate in TOT but was nervous, afraid because I could still feel the sadness. The thing is, no matter where I was, last week was going to be a tough week. And TOT was probably the best place I could've been, surrounded by good friends from my training group (Nick, Eric and Kristan were also at TOT) and busy with all the work of planning and organizing. I closed my eyes every night and wished for patience. Patience to know that this too would pass, patience to wait it out.

TOT was very successful, and I'm excited about all the trainings developed for the incoming group. Hopefully we're able to use our experiences here to prepare the new Volunteers as best as possible for their service in Lesotho.

TOT was also bittersweet (beyond my own internal struggles). Maria, the Associate Peace Corps Director (APCD) for CHED Volunteers in Lesotho (basically my PC boss and mentor) is leaving at the end of the month. TOT was one of the last opportunities I will have to work with her before she heads back to the States. I will miss her sage advice, caring and positive spirit, hugs and open door. Your shoes will not be easily filled. Best of luck Maria!

I have returned to Mafeteng and thankfully this low point seems to have passed, disappearing almost as suddenly as it arrived. My counterpart at the hospital, 'M'e Vikile, and I have been categorizing and logging books for the library and are eagerly awaiting the shipment from America (which is currently being held at the border but should be let through soon). Keletso and I continue to work with the PSI/New Start support group. In early June my fellow PCV Trish and I will present a workshop on stress-management to my co-workers at New Start Mafeteng. Ashley and I are working out logistics for our PEPFAR-funded event, the Thaba Tsoeu HIV/AIDS and Health Day, and will be giving a presentation about the project to her clinic staff and community health workers before I leave for the States.

I have learned that I must face each low point with grace, experience the feelings as they come. I cannot keep it from happening, but I can appreciate that the low times allow me to be grateful for what I have left behind and all that I have here.